Dear MK,

Firstly, thanks so much for the love! I really appreciate feedback, even when it’s to tell me I’m a moron. Good feedback absolutely makes my day…
 
Now, as to your situation. I do think you’re rushing things. It is right to expect the guy to make time for you. But is it possible he’s holding back his time because he wants to take things slowly?
 
Here’s the thing; we can’t fault the guy for prioritising his kids and his work. We’d both think there’s something wrong with him if he didn’t, right? He’s admitted to you that he’s a bit gun shy and you are too. It’s totally okay to want to take this at a slower pace. You’ve said the relationship is undefined. Maybe you guys need to have a conversation about where you’re at. Nothing too heavy, but just check in and see if you’re on the same page?
 
You ask about waiting for things to ‘get better.’ I’m not really clear on what’s wrong. You’ve identified one problem, he doesn’t call when he says he will. I think that’s pretty easily rectified; let’s tell him that it bugs you when he over-promises. He’s going to have to stop promising to call if he doesn’t think he can, or call you if he’s promised to do so. But, MK, you’ve also said that he calls you pretty much every day, even just to say hi. Are your expectations realistic?
 
Two ways of looking at this: either he’s as in to you as he can be but he has other legitimate issues that take up his time (work, kids.) OR, he’s only sorta into you and just can’t be bothered to call you back even when he has the time. You probably know which if these two scenarios is closest to the reality. If it’s # 1, then yes, you should be a bit more patient. If it’s #2, then you should drop him.
 
I’m going to say that you both need to take this slowly because of your combined histories. If you are meant to end up together, it’s likely to take a long time before you’re both at a point where you realise that. Don’t rush it. You really don’t want to scare him off. And you want to be sure, too. Even if you feel sure right now, there’s always room for doubt. The more certainty you can build up the better it will be for both of you in the long run. Sometimes, relationships hit breaking points and they need one person to hold the resolve and say, “yes, we are supposed to be together,” and that person’s job is to push and really be the champion for the union. The more certainty that person has, the easier it’s going to be to punch through the rough times instead of asking “why am I doing this?”
 
I think you should keep seeing the other guy. I know it feels weird if you know he’s not the one but it will help you take some of your focus from Mr. Busy. You’re all adults. In adult relationships, as long as the terms are defined, anything goes. So, as long as you’re not making promises to Mr. #2 that you can’t keep (i.e. I want to be your wife), then there’s no reason that you can’t keep dating. In fact it could be one of the things that gives you certainty about Mr. Busy.  You may want to stay away from a physical relationship with #2 because that could truly complicate things.

In summary here’s your advice:
 
1. Think about your expectations of this new relationship. Are you being fair to him? Are you being fair to yourself?

2. Discuss with him the fact that he doesn’t call when he says he’s going to. Let him know it bugs you. Figure out a solution that works for both of you.

3. Do everything you can to take this relationship slowly. Remember, if you are going to end up together, it’s not going to happen overnight. I truly believe with your combined circumstances that rushing in to this one could kill it prematurely.

4. Don’t stop dating / flirting / talking to the other guy. Wait until you’ve had that conversation with #1. Who knows, maybe he’s seeing other people too! Until you discuss exclusivity as being part of your relationship, keep a few other guys around.

Okay, MK, there you go. No matter what, I’m happy for you that things are going well after the end of your previous long term relationship.  You’ve obviously worked very hard to get your life back on track which is important. You’re finally on the other side of all the crap, don’t lose sight that now it’s supposed to be fun. Remember to try to keep things light and happy. There’ll be plenty of time for serious and heavy again in the future.

Good Luck!

AB



Alexis Brown