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January 28, 2008
Dear Alexis,
I’ve been dating this guy since early November. I really like him; he’s tall, hot, a sweetheart and seems like he’s into a real relationship. He’s been very kind to me and since the beginning I’ve felt like he really has cared for me. He’s been living here since July, he’s from Ireland but he’s come to set up a business with his old college roommate who’s been here for more than ten years.
Anyway, I totally thought things would work out and then last night he tells me he has a wife and two kids!!! Apparently they are all still in Ireland and he’s getting a divorce. But how the hell could he not tell me this before now? He sprung it on me last night and I FREAKED! He says he didn’t want to tell me at first because he didn’t know how I would take it.
Last night was the first time we’ve seen each other since the holidays. He said he wanted to tell me a month ago but didn’t because it was Christmas and he was meeting a lot of my friends. Then I went away on a girls’ trip and I just got back. When I freaked he kind of apologized and said that maybe he should have told me sooner. It was awful Alexis, we both felt like such crap after that conversation…
I’m so confused. I don’t know if I can trust him or not. He says it’s totally over with his wife but what if it isn’t? What kind of person leaves their kids in another country? I don’t know what to do…
LC
Dear LC,
The first thing you need to do is take a deep breath. The bomb he dropped on you is truly a shocker and you’re well within your rights to need some air after hearing something like that.
The next thing you need to do is ask yourself if you can forgive him for waiting so long to tell you about his other life. Everyone has different capacities for forgiveness. What’s yours? You can’t start a life and a real relationship with him if you don’t forgive him. That kind of disparity will be hard to overcome and I mean really hard on both of you.
Do you believe his reasons for waiting so long to tell you? I know it seems like he should have told you sooner but here’s a thought; the fact that he waited so long suggests to me that he really does care about you and didn’t want to scare you off.
What kind of person leaves his kids in Ireland? I can’t answer that one for you. There could be a million reasons that run from really good reasons to really poor ones. Who knows what the story is with his ex. Until you do, I wouldn’t judge. I’d have a good hard examination of the way he behaves with me and everyone else and determine if I think he’s a good, kind person, or an a**hole. Your heart should tell you if he’s a jerk or not.
You said he apologised right away. He obviously knows you’re pissed. Take some time to think about how you feel and if you want to continue with him or not. If you don’t, just cut him loose and be glad you found out when you did versus six months from now! If there’s room for forgiveness, let him in and see how he acts when he knows he’s in the doghouse. If he can make you feel better and make it up to you then let him and start again. Look at it this way, every couple has major stumbling blocks they have to work through when they start a relationship, you’ll already have yours behind you…
Good Luck!
AB
Alexis Brown
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