|
Ask Alexis Brown
Need some advice? Well now you can ask the most knowledgeable Alexis Brown! Alexis Brown always has the answer when it comes to relationships, work and family. If your question gets posted, you automatically win a prize courtesy of ClubFLOW! It's that easy, so submit your problems or questions here.
Read Alexis' answers to new questions every Monday!
February 4th, 2008
Dear Alexis,
I have been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now and we got engaged in July of last year, so we have been engaged for 6 months.
He cheated on me about 1 1/2 years ago but our relationship was kind of rocky at that time and we were thinking about ending things. As a result of him cheating he got another girl pregnant. Knowing all of this I still accepted his marriage proposal; we have both got past what he did and our relationship was stronger than ever.
This girl had the baby in September and she had a lot of complications, so my fiancé had to take care of the baby while she recuperated. He would sleep there most nights as she was in a lot of pain. I was hurting a lot from this ordeal so one night my friend came by to see me because I was feeling down, we ended up going to his apartment and I slept with him. It was the biggest mistake I ever made.
About a week after I found out from my boyfriend’s baby mother that they were sleeping together all the time while she was pregnant and even 1 time after she gave birth. When she told me this I felt guilty for what I did, 2 days later we had a conversation and he asked me if I cheated on him and I kept saying no, no, no. Finally I gave in, my guilt was too much for me to handle so I told him what I’d done, when it had happened; I told him all the details.
He came over that night and said he wanted nothing to do with me. Since that night, I haven’t spoken to the guy that I cheated on him with. I changed my cell phone number and I am a changed person. I will never cheat ever again; I learned my lesson big time.
Even though I thought we’d break up, we still kept talking and trying to work things out. Two weeks later, we were back together and solid as ever. At the present moment there are some definite trust issues with the both of us, but we both really love each other.
He wants us to be together but his baby mother is always getting in the way. She wants him for herself and doesn't want anyone else to have him. I am not allowed to see his baby or even look at him through the car window. She has made it clear that if I was to get pregnant or if we were to ever get married that she would take his son and leave the country and never look back. That really scares my fiancé because he loves his son so much. I love him too even though I haven't spent anytime with him just because he is my fiancés son, I love him as if he were my son.
I am willing to accept everything that has happened these past 2 years, but some days I feel very sad. In the 3 years of our relationship our relationship has overcome so much, even when I met my fiancé my life was going downward fast. I hated myself, I hated my life, I felt like I had hit rock bottom. I was abused badly by my last boyfriend and when I met my fiancé he changed my life, he helped me become the person I am today. He made my faith in God become strong again and today I love myself, I love my life and I am a very positive, faithful, strong woman.
I love him with all my heart and I want nothing more than for us to be happy. I want a lifetime with him but every time he goes to see his son he has to see her, every time I hear him talk to her on the phone my blood just boils. I believe that God placed him in my life to become my lifetime partner and God placed lots of obstacles in our relationship to test whether or not our relationship could stand up to it. I believe we are meant to be together forever. But again some things are very hard on me.
Sincerely, M
Dear M,
Like you, I believe strongly that people are put into our lives for a reason. One thing that I’ve learned is that some times, the reason isn’t visible until long after that person has transitioned out of our lives. I really need to a good job explaining this point so please forgive me if I overdo it.
So, take the case of my friend, whose initial is also M. Extremely short version, she was in love with a guy, they got engaged, she was happy, life was good. She came from a family of alcoholics and had only dated alcoholics before she me her fiancé. He was not an alcoholic. She thought he was in her life because he was sent to be “the one.”
It turns out that he wasn’t the one. He wasn’t an alcoholic or a gambler or a substance abuser, but he didn’t believe in fidelity and he cheated on her terribly and hit on all her friends. It took her a long time to come to terms with this. Once she did, though, she kicked him to the curb.
Fast forward to today. She has met a wonderful man who is not a substance abuser and is faithful to her. They have two gorgeous, healthy kids and live in an adorable house in a leafy suburb just north of the T Dot. Moral of the story: the first guy did have a purpose in her life, but she couldn’t see it until long after he was gone.
Yes, he was a cad and yes, he broke her heart. But he also taught her that she could break out of the cycle of dating substance abusers that she thought she had inherited. This was a very valuable lesson for her. I don’t think she would be with her current husband if she hadn’t gone through this ordeal. She had been in a cycle of choosing the wrong men and needed one more bad choice, if you will, in order to get to her happy place…
Now, back to you; I know you think this guy is the one for you, but I don’t. Of course, I’m just an internet advice columnist and you are the person living your life so feel free to ignore me but there are a few things I don’t like about your relationship.
Firstly, you said he wanted to dump you after he found out you cheated. This suggests to me that he is not good at forgiveness and has two sets of rules; one for you and one for him. Let’s remember where he was when you cheated. No, it doesn’t make your infidelity okay, you definitely should not have done that, but where was his sense of understanding?
Has he ever apologized and taken responsibility for the situation he created? Does he acknowledge how difficult the situation is for you and how it must hurt you? Does he try to find ways to make you feel better, to make it up to you?
I also think he should be standing up to the Crazy regarding you not being able to hang with the son. How does he explain himself on this point? She has made some ridiculous rules. What will happen when father and son want to spend a weekend together? Are you expected to check into a hotel? Why hasn’t he put his foot down and told her she’s bonkers? I’d expect the man I love to fight for me, to tell that so-and-so that we are together and that she’d better just get used to it. Why isn’t he fighting for your relationship like a real Man?
You said you’d been badly abused by your last boyfriend. I think you have chosen another abuser. One who is oblivious and insensitive to the pain he’s caused you. That scares me because I predict a life full of insensitivity and my dear, you deserve better.
Let’s remember that marriage is one set of problems after another (it should also be one set of joys after another but that’s not what we’re focused on here.) I’m concerned about how he’s going to deal with issues in the future based on the way he’s responded to you and the mess HE created.
I’m also concerned about the Crazy that he had a kid with. I don’t know if I believe that he was sleeping with her the whole time – do you? It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is that she will always be in his life through his son and will always undermine you. For true love, I’d say you could deal with her, but like I said, I don’t like the way he treats you.
Take a break from this guy. If you are meant to be together, fate will put you together – even if it’s a few years down the road. Let him focus on fatherhood for a while. Get yourself some distance from the situation.
I think the reason he’s in your life is to show you:
- You are capable of giving love
- Your capacity for forgiveness
- How crap it feels to cheat on someone
- That you should want more for yourself than being in an abusive situation
Learn the lessons he has taught you and get yourself a man you trust. There is a man out there who is worthy of your trust. This guy isn’t and he hasn’t done ANYTHING to prove to you that he is.
You say he helped you become the person you are today. Thank him for that. You were a different person when you met him three years ago, in a bad place. As you say, you’ve grown since then and you’re a stronger, happier person. The new version of you will now be able to deal with this break up.
M, I want more for you than this guy can give, I only hope you want more for yourself.
Good Luck!
AB
Alexis Brown
|
