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February 11th, 2008
Dear Alexis,
My (ex) boyfriend of 2 and a half years and I have recently broken up. He was my first love and now my first heartache.
I went to film school in New York for a month last summer and asked him to come along. He initially agreed, but backed out at the last minute; he felt like I was neglecting him with all my activities. We got back together, but he recently ended things for good saying that he needs to be selfish and figure things out and he can't come second to all the things I do.
This hurt me so much as I always included him in every activity that I did and made him a big part of my life. I don't really know what went wrong and even went so far as to apologize for being so busy and asking him back. He said no and said he needed time to figure himself out and that we needed a break.
We've tried to be friends but it hurts too much. I remember all the memories and can't go from almost 3 years of love to simply being "friends".
I cannot find the strength to move on and the situation has shattered me. I know that everything happens for a reason but I am not a person who easily falls in love, in fact, I find it hard to even date.
I don't know how to trust anyone again as he said things like he wanted to marry me one day and don't know how he finds it so easy to take all those words back. It even makes me question my own confidence and everything I do. Can women really have it all? A career, love and family? I've proven to be "too busy" in what I do and didn't pay enough attention to the relationship.
I'm 23 years old and know that I have a lot of things yet to accomplish. I just find it hard to move on, especially when he maybe one day our paths will lead back to each other. He had never really admitted to the situation being COMPLETELY over and it makes me want to hold on although I know it's in vain.
What makes the situation worse is that we have mutual friends so every time I think I'm starting to get over the situation, we see each other at a party or gathering.
Please help me shed some light on a very confusing time.
Sincerely,
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken,
I know it seems like your world is ending but trust me, it isn’t. There is nothing quite like the pain of breaking up with your first love. It hurts so deeply that you feel as if you could die from the pain but the truth is you won’t. In fact, in time, you will recover quite nicely and you will love again.
I don’t want to sound like an old lady who’s been there, done that, but I just might. The truth is, I have been where you are right now and it was one of the worst times of my life; the most pain I’ve ever felt. I didn’t think that I would ever meet anyone that I could love that much and I didn’t think I could survive. But I did. I did and I came back stronger.
What that period taught me was that I do have the capacity to love deeply, which is the only way to love. It also taught me that very bad things will happen in my life and I will cope. It taught me that even the worst pain eventually goes away. Day by day you’ll see it will get a little easier. You’ll have a day where around dinner time you’ll realize you haven’t thought about him even once and then you’ll see you’re on your way to recovery.
23 is way too young to find your mate and settle down. Lots of people won’t agree with me, but they’re not writing this column. Of course there are a few people who are so mature and have been adults for so long that by 23 they’re ready. But I’d say in most cases, at 23, you still have a lot of living to do.
As to the reasons for your breakup, don’t over-think it. He has his reasons. Why did he say he wanted to marry you? He probably felt it. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t honest or that you shouldn’t trust. It’s possible that he felt that way at the time but at such a young age, it seems to me that he wants to experience some freedom which is what I believe you both should be doing. Letting go seems like the hardest option for you now but it’s the only way for you to start to heal and move on.
Your question: can women have it all? The answer is yes. In order to have it all, though, you need to start with the right partner. Someone who gets you and loves you for who you are. You also have to give in order to get. You have to have your priorities straight and, as they say, do unto others.
Heartbroken, be kind to yourself. Don’t go to places where he’s going to be. Forget being friends, at least for the time being. It’s totally overrated and it just hurts. Give yourself some time to mope around in sweatpants but not too much time. After about a week, hit the gym, get your hair cut and do some things you love doing. I promise you, it will get easier and easier with time.
Good Luck!
AB
Alexis Brown
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