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March 10th, 2008
Dear Alexis Brown,
Help me! I don't know how to get out of this mess; my "special friend" always seems to slip into boyfriend mode whenever we hook up. We both know WHY he comes over or why I go over to his place.
Our rendezvous always occur after the 11:00pm "opposite-sex-friend-only" time limit... i.e. we always meet during the designated "booty call" time zone, but we've never made it official that we were "together" and we both know a relationship would never work.
Every time we hook up, he gets emotionally attached; I can tell there's passion in his kisses, the way he cuddles with me, touches me... the things he says, the more than regular phone calls thereafter... and so on.
I am not ready for a true boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, but it seems that every 3 to 5 days I get a temporary boyfriend!!! I’m so stressed!... which keeps me running back to him for relief... and the saga continues!!
How can I regain control of the situation without losing my "special friend" status with him and avoid making him feel like just a piece of meat, for lack of better words....
Signed,
late night lover
Dear Late Night,
I’ll tell you how to get out of this mess: Stop. Hooking. Up. With. Him.
While I commend you for your ability to date like a man, I must also condemn you for dating like a man. You’re worried about making him feel like a piece of meat, but the reality is, he is just a piece of meat to you. You say you both know that a relationship would never work, but you appear to be the only one that’s thinking that.
Now in general, I don’t have anything against carnivorous relationships provided both people agree to the terms. And that is often the problem with these types of hookups; one person will develop feelings and the other is only getting feelings ‘down there’ when the clock strikes midnight.
Here are your two choices:
(1) just stop calling / meeting / *$^!ing him
(2) tell him (preferably face to face and during the DAY) exactly how you feel
Option (1) is self explanatory. For option (2) you need to be totally honest. Tell him that you suspect he’s got feelings for you but they’re not mutual. Either you don’t want a relationship or you don’t want a relationship with him. Kindly suggest that you two as a permanent item is not going to happen. Ever. If he still wants to get dirrrty at night, at least he’s been forewarned and it’s his choice.
Good Luck!
AB
Alexis Brown
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