|
Ask Alexis Brown
Need some advice? Well now you can ask the most knowledgeable Alexis Brown! Alexis Brown always has the answer when it comes to relationships, work and family. If your question gets posted, you automatically win a prize courtesy of ClubFLOW! It's that easy, so submit your problems or questions here.
Read Alexis' answers to new questions every Monday and Thursday!
> Today's Question
> March 29th, 2007
March 29th, 2007
Dear Alexis,
Here's my twisted relationship problem:
I met this guy, we started hanging out. We broke up after two months but got back together, then, after 5 months of hell, I broke up with him for "good."
Two weeks after the breakup, I found out that he's married, and was dating 5 other girls at the same time. SHOCKER!! Surprisingly, when I read the txt msg from his wife, I wasn't shocked, surprised about the 5 other girls, but I was a little shocked about the wife.
One of the girls ended up calling me, she told me what had happened and her side of the story and how she was with him for about 6 months. I was fine, but for some reason, I ended up crying and feeling disgusted that I ever dated this moron.
Now 5 months later, I find out that he was denying our relationship from the beginning, and what really doesn't make sense to me is: I broke up with him 2 months into the relationship, we could have been over and done with then, but instead, he told me that he really doesn't want to leave me. That he wants to be part of my life and that he wanted to talk to me everyday and see me everyday. Why say all of this, when you're denying our relationship?
I found out about all his dating the way the others did, one girl called me and told me what was happening, she convinced me to call the others, even though I really didn’t want to. Oddly, I get along well with one of the others, she ended up calling me and talking to me whenever something was up. I started to get sucked in more and more, and in fact, I did accidentally break the news to ONE of his girlfriends. So, I guess I get he may be upset with me about that one finding out, but what right does he have to be upset at all?
The worst part is, he's called all the others and given them closure, but he hasn’t called me. I feel insulted that he won’t call me and give me an explanation. What right does he have to be upset about anything? I didn't do this to him, he did this to us, yet I'm stuck there getting s*** for it. What should I do?
Confused and Angry!
Dear Confused,
This is an easy one:
Walk Away.
No wait, even better: RUN AWAY!
This guy has some serious problems and the more time and distance you put between you and him, the better off you're going to be. Here's the thing; it's totally, totally wrong to have an affair when you're married. It's wrong but it happens, probably more often than it should. But when most people have real affairs (not to be confused with one-nighters), they have ONE or maybe at most TWO. But not SIX!!! Definitely not six. This guy has some seriously real, not-to-be-joked-about issues, and you don't want to mess with him. He's not just a loser, he has real problems. But don't start feeling sorry for him just yet.
He is obviously a very needy person who needs a whole team of lovers to make him feel better. You will never get ANYTHING from this guy but grief (he's a TAKER!), which is why you need to RUN AWAY, NOW!
Let's think this through: he walked down the aisle with someone and promised to love her and only her. Then he started relationships with six other women! One, two, then three, then four, then five then six. I can barely count that high! How on earth does he have the nerve to ostracize you? He's the one who made the bed. All you did was comment on it.
Your letter highlights the fact that everything about this guy makes you feel badly about yourself. You need that to stop right away. For whatever reason, he came into your life. But now, it's up to you to get him out. Forget closure. You're not going to get it from him. Stop needing it from him, give it to yourself. If he tries calling, texting, emailing you, just IGNORE IT no matter how badly you want to reply. That won't be easy because you'll want to get back into the cycle but BE STRONG. Besides, ignoring him will drive him CRAZY so you'll get a bit of satisfaction that way. But it will only work if you stick to the plan and STAY AWAY (I mean forever.)
Picture running into him five years from now: you're blissfully happy, you look hot, you're with a strong, smart, hot guy and he's still running around, juggling cell phones and pagers, trying to keep his lies straight!
As far as the other 'girlfriends,' stay away from them, too. This guy is the one thing you have in common and you don't need to keep re-living the whole experience. I'm sure you have your own friends who can help you through this. They'll do a better job because they'll be more objective than the troupe of scorned women.
Finally, know this; although it's not easy to find a great guy, it WILL happen. They ARE out there. I truly believe there's someone for everyone and...it only takes one.
Did I mention RUN, don't walk?
Good luck!
Alexis Brown
Dear Alexis:
This is probably the most asked question out there…here we go, Ii'll ask anyway: Relationships! how do i get one and where can i find one???
I am a single mother, 34, heterosexual and career - oriented.
What must I realize, do or not do to have success at this difficult pastime called dating???
-Single in the T Dat
Dear Single,
Well, you're right, it is a common issue. It's amazing that in a city this filled with amazing singletons, we have such a hard time meeting each other and hooking up!
1) Are You Ready?
Ask yourself what you are looking for. Many of us tend to look for others (other people, other objects etc.) to fill our lives and help with our most basic issues. Believe me, I have a whole closet full of shoes, boots and handbags to prove it. Bottom line, we should get with a man because we want someone to share our lives with. NOT because we think he can make us happy .
You need to remember that there is only one person on earth that can fix your problems and that is YOU. So if you tend to say things like "if only I had a boyfriend then I would be happy" (for example) - you will have a hard time finding a man willing to take on that responsibility. You need to make yourself happy first. Love yourself, love your job, love your kids, love your life, and along he will come.
2) Do you know exactly what you want?
A friend, a husband, a late-nite booty call, someone to go to the movies with? If you don't know exactly what you're after, you'll have a hard time finding it. It's going to be better for your sanity in the long run if you want someone that wants the same things as you. Ever tried to turn a booty-caller into a husband? Don't let yourself get hurt, start your search knowing what you're searching for, eliminate people that don't want the same things.
3) Do you have room in your life for a man?
Do you have the time? Do you have the space? Where will he fit in? Story for you: I just spent the night at a single girlfriend's place in Montreal. I go into her bedroom in the morning and get this: she sleeps on one side of the bed. The other side is totally covered in crap. You name it: her purse (not small), her cell phone, blackberry, magazines, sudoku puzzles etc etc etc. AND to top it all off, she has a perfectly roomy night table right beside the bed she COULD be using. So I ask her "where is he going to sleep when he gets here?"
There's a whole belief out there that says leaving that junk on the bed is sending a message to the universe that she wants to be alone. Garbage vs. truth: you choose. But if all you have to do to meet a fella is make room, why not move your stuff ?
Part Two: How.
Okay, so now you love yourself, you're just looking for a companion and not a saviour. You know exactly what you want. You've got three nights a week free and a wide-open king sized bed. What next? Well, all the same things everyone always says. Join a gym. Take a class. Join a co-ed team in a rec league. Once you're happy and doing the things in your free time that you love doing, you'll become a man magnet.
Go to things. Every time someone invites you somewhere, say yes. Ask your friends to set you up. And try the internet. I know tons of people who've found someone online - lots even resulting in marriage! Hit the dating websites - they're good. Just be smart about giving your real identity, meeting in public places etc. until you're extremely sure the guys you're talking to aren't serial killers. But truly, most of them are just busy, single people, like you.
Good Luck!
Alexis Brown
|
