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April 7th, 2008
Dear Alexis,
I dated this guy for 1 1/2 years and during that time things were great. But, we had a major fight and broke up. We got back together 2 months later and then broke up a month after that.
I feel like we get angry with one another, then break up because of that anger. Then, a while later, we miss each other again. I didn't want it to become a habit so this time around I said no to him, when he wanted to get back together.
It’s been 3 months and I’ve started dating a new guy, however all I can think about is my ex-boyfriend. I feel like no one can compare to him and constantly regret not getting back together with him. Maybe we could have worked it out, because all relationships consist of fights and make-ups. I don't know whether I should go talk to him or just let it go and give this new guy a chance. Please help.
Confuzzled
Dear Confuzzled,
I hate the pattern of break up and make up that you two established. All relationships, without exception, have highs and lows, good times and bad. Guess what; anyone can be a great couple in the good times. What makes a really, truly successful relationship is being able to work it out in the bad times.
What you guys created is a pattern of hitting the road as soon as the going gets tough. Instead of sticking around and sorting out your problems, you split. Then you get lonely and horny and reunite. However, whatever caused you to split in the first place was never resolved. So, up comes the same issue, or a new issue and both of you hit the road…
Let’s imagine what might have happened in an alternate universe; an issue comes up and you fight. You sit down and talk it through. You communicate with each other, expressing your feelings while respecting the feelings of your partner and trying to understand where they are coming from. By being honest with each other, you are able to come to a resolution or compromise. Then the relationship is stronger than it was before. Now, the next time an issue comes up, you already have a mechanism in place for resolving it. As issues continue to arise, as they always do, you create a pattern for fixing them and your relationship is stronger every time.
Do you see the difference in the two scenarios? I have real concerns about not being to solve problems because let’s face it, a lot of the time, life seems to be one problem after another.
So, do I think you should get back with this guy? I can’t say. I think the things you are longing for in the old relationship are probably not the building blocks you need for a happy relationship. Maybe you could get back with him and start fresh but it will definitely be harder than just building something new with someone that’s willing to ride out the hard times.
Have you had any ‘issues’ with the new guy? How did they get resolved? If they got sorted in a healthy way, maybe it’s a sign that you’re on to something good.
Whoever you end up with, try to suppress the urge to cut and run every time you hear something you don’t like. In the long run, you and your relationships will be better for it!
Good Luck!
AB
Alexis Brown
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