Hi there Alexis,

I have this boyfriend and we've been together for almost a year. He is 25 and I am 18. We've been through a lot in the time that we've been together and we are really connected. He is the first guy that I’ve ever introduced to my entire family, and that’s a big step for me. I know that I really love this guy, but sometimes my feelings get the best of me.

Just before our one month anniversary, which was the day after my prom, he cheated on me with his ex-girlfriend (who is also 18). Before that, and after, he kept talking to her, and even after he knew i wasn't fine with it, he would just kinda hide it.

He is a soft guy, who cares a lot about the people he loves, and he was with this girl for 18 months and broke up because she continually kept cheating on him, and his family never approved of her. Before we got together, they had been broken up for almost 6 months, but they would still sleep around on the side. He also has this friend (who is 19) that he talked to/visited regularly who just had a baby around thanksgiving, who he had been talking to and sleeping around with as well. He started sleeping with these girls within a week of knowing them and he never used protection the first time (for a while thought this baby was his, but he swore to me that it wasn’t).

I am a girl of rules, and when it comes to the sexual area, i wait until i feel most comfortable with that person and when i feel is the best time for me to give that part of me up. His ex girlfriend was also a big fan of performing oral sex, and i am totally against that. Looking at his past relationships, he was attracted to "hoeish" girls, and it makes me really uncomfortable, that isn’t my style. He says that’s why he's really attracted to me, because i am nothing like them.

When it came down to it, i knew he would always put his ex before me, and i am not a woman to come second to anyone. So many times our relationship has been threatened because of this girl. After he fessed up about cheating on me, I forgave him the next day. But I don’t think I truly forgave him because every single day, i think about what he did and it kills me inside. There is not a night I go to bed not thinking about it, and I usually cry myself to sleep. My biggest fear is that one day he and his ex will run into one another and he wont be able to control his feelings. I try giving him all the attention he wants (such as sex when he wants it, someone to talk to, etc.), so he will have no reason to go and try and get it from her.

He promised me numerous times that he would never hurt me again, because he saw how hurt I was and he loved me too much to put me through it again. When I'm with him I can’t stop thinking about his thoughts…Is he wishing that he was in her arms instead of mine, or wishing that he was making love to her instead of me. Or is he constantly comparing me to her?

Another thing that I am considering is the men in my family. All of them are either married or in a committed relationship, yet they all have their "girls" on the side.  

I have locked guys off completely, and the only guys I talk to are him or his friend. My boyfriend makes me happy, and he is really my best friend, and i love him sooo much. He just completes me. He shows me things i would never see, and he has made me a better person. I want to be able to really be happy with him, and not just put on an act when I’m with him, and then behind closed doors its something else.

I really love this guy and i don’t want the fact that I don’t trust him, or even my fear, to hinder our relationship. What would u suggest i do?

Crying Myself to Sleep

Dear Tears,

I’m afraid that you’re not going to like what I have to say. Before you read my answer, I’d like you to go back and read your letter to me again. As you read it, pay close attention to the emotions that you describe to me and the reasons you feel those emotions:

“it made me really uncomfortable”
“i knew he would always put his ex before me”
“i think about what he did and it kills me inside”
“cry myself to sleep”
“i felt so low and dirty”
“i would feel horrible”
 
etc etc etc.  And these are just a few examples. Now look at what you say at the end:

“My boyfriend makes me happy, and he is really my best friend, and i love him sooo much. He just completes me. He shows me things i would never see, and he has made me a better person.”

Reading your story, I find it hard to believe that being with him makes you happy. Your story suggests that everything about your relationship gives you pain. Life is too short for pain.

I am concerned about the fact that he knew how much it would hurt you to be in touch with his ex and he chose to do it anyway and hide it from you. I am also concerned about the fact that there are things you say you aren’t comfortable doing in the bedroom, but now you do whatever he wants to stop him from looking elsewhere. Honey, that’s what we call terrorism.

I’m afraid you’re with this man for the wrong reason. Love is about trust, comfort, joy and respect. From what you’ve written, there is very little of that in your relationship. It sounds from your letter as if each of you is trying to control the other which is never, ever healthy.

You don’t trust him at all. You worry that if he sees his ex, they will be back in bed in a heartbeat. He’s a grown man. He is responsible for his choices and his actions. And despite what you may think, he does have control over his penis – it only goes where he wants it to go, and NOT the other way around. No matter what, she doesn’t have magic powers that can lure him in. If he chooses you, and you trust him, you have to just trust him. The question is: why don’t you?

You asked me what I suggest you do. I suggest you spend some time away from this man and see what the time reveals to you about your feelings for him. I think you are afraid of being without him; BUT I think that the pain you are feeling from this relationship is far worse than loneliness.

Lastly, regarding your family history. I know it’s hard to unlearn what you grew up seeing, but not ALL men are cheaters. You need to believe that. Many are and so are many women. You can’t live your life in fear. You can learn to trust, but you need to learn with someone who is trustworthy. Don’t pick a man with a history of cheating. Pick a guy that’s never fooled around, one that thinks that being faithful is important. I promise you’ll be much more comfortable in that relationship than you are in this one.

You are a smart young woman with strong ideals and morals. From your story, it doesn’t seem that your man shares your standards. Find yourself a man that has the same values and ethics you do and introduce him to your family. Choose someone that makes you feel good about yourself and someone you can trust. Then instead falling asleep crying, you’ll wake up smiling!

Good luck!



Alexis Brown

Dear Alexis,

I really like my job. My co-workers are great, I'm well respected and I see myself getting really far! I get paid well, and the job isn't very taxing so I referred my boyfriend for a job and he works with me as well. I don't mind working with him, but I have one problem. My boss's boss hits on me!!! Yup, that's my manager's MANAGER, and what's worst I thtink I'm getting feelings for him! I even have dreams about him! I feel like I'm caught in the middle, what should I do??

TZ

Dear TZ,

Hmmm. You are definitely in a very tricky situation. You’ve got a few problems in one: a senior co-worker is hitting on you, you may dig him and you’re debating being unfaithful to your man.

Well, let’s address the feelings you’re developing. How strong are they? Are they real or a product of your environment? Are you dreaming about this guy because he’s powerful (your boss’ boss), or do you genuinely like him? Would you still have feelings for him if you met him somewhere else?

Did they hire your boyfriend knowing he’s your boyfriend? Does everyone know you two are a couple or have you kept it hidden? Assuming you’re ‘out,’  I find the fact that the manager is hitting on you  - even though you’re in a relationship -  very uncool. Was he doing that before your boyfriend started working there? Does he know your boyfriend? Do they work together? Are the Manager’s feelings for you genuine? Or could he be having some kind of twisted pissing contest with your boyfriend in which you are the pawn?

My advice to you is this: think long and hard about your next steps, consider all the consequences and whatever you do, don’t act quickly – don’t do ANYTHING on a whim – you DO NOT want to have regrets here, the consequences are MAJOR and involve a lot of people.

Consider this:

Does your company have a policy on office relationships? If you and the manager got together – could anyone get fired? Could he get into trouble since his hitting on you could be considered sexual harassment? I assume your boss will be put in a precarious position – now you’re his/her boss’ girlfriend -  he/she could have a hard time managing you (or could claim that anyway). Could that put your career at risk? You say you’re well-paid and the work is easy – do you want to risk that?

What about your boyfriend? How serious is your relationship? I personally would advise you to break up with him if you decide to go for the Boss Man. Alexis doesn’t like infidelity very much. Are you concerned about your boyfriend’s feelings? Would he continue to work there if you were with the Manager? What would that do to him? Do you care? I suspect this depends on how long you’ve been together and how serious the two of you are.

Basically the whole situation could end up extremely Jerry Springer-like. You need to decide whether you really, truly, genuinely dig this Manager. Is he worth it? It could be that he’s THE ONE. If he is, there’s nothing wrong with making it happen – imagine the stories you’ll tell at your wedding. Just make sure that if you decide to go for it, you don’t end up leaving a trail of destruction in your wake!

Good luck!



Alexis Brown