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April 14th, 2008
Hi Alexis,
Well to start off, it’s been 2 years since April 1 that my ex boyfriend and I broke up. We were together for 7 years. Yes, he broke up with me on April 1st, as bad as that is. The reason was "there are reasons but you will never know why" and he cut me off completely, to top it off I thought it was an April fool's joke...
Anyway, I’m over it now. I started dating someone a couple months after the break up for about a year. It turns out that half the time we were together, he was trying to get back with his ex girlfriend that he was going to propose to.... and now they are getting married...So I then took some time for myself, I moved out of my parents house in Aug 2007. Now I live with a girlfriend of mine and I am happy.
In February, I met a man who I am still dating. We have decided to put a label on it and I am officially his GIRL!! We get along very well. I feel like we’re on the same page and he is on my vibe. We have a very intense and passionate relationship. We have a lot of fun together… when I see him, that is.
He is a really busy man with work and he warned me when we first met, so I can’t really say anything. Part of me thinks it’s better that I don’t see him a lot; I feel that’s been my problem in the past, my relationships got too old too fast. I would see them everyday and we didn't have much time on our own. All my friends keep telling me to keep my guard up because there were a couple times that my boyfriend now had done some shady things . For example, he took off to New York last weekend ( he used to live there and still has friends to stay with) and did not call me for two days. Two days later he text messages me from New York and said that he was pissed due to a family problem and took off and will call me when he gets back and he misses me...
Also I only see him on the weekends right now because he is busy and his car is in the shop waiting to be fixed. But, he’s a mechanic and owns the shop, don’t you think that you would want to fix your car so you had a way to come and see me....???
Anyway, I just need some advice on how to handle this situation. My problem is I am too nice when I really care about somebody and I have let people take advantage of me in the past. I don’t want to not give him the benefit of the doubt. I’m afraid if I go on always thinking he’s like my ex boyfriends I will be alone forever. Sometimes you have to let your guard down and go with the flow I guess. I want to start feeling like a priority, not just an option to men.
Both my parents are sick with cancer right now and my father is dying basically so having this man helps me deal with that part of my life. It takes me away from it for that little while and he genuinely cares about how I am feeling and asks me everyday how my parents are. I have a lot of friends and my own place to look after and pay for along with other bills and I always still find a way to make the man in my life a priority. Why can’t he prioritise me? Should I tell him this, and let him know how I feel and that I am scared of getting hurt again??
Also another thing, My ex boyfriend of 7 years never took me home to meet his parents....It was a European thing he says.......I don’t want that to happen to me again, My family is very open and they already want to meet my new man. How do I bring this up to him? I want to know his take on meeting the parents and when is a good time for him without freaking him out. All in all he is a good guy who loves his family and he wants to take me out to meet all his friends so I must be doing something right, I just need somebody else's opinion on this situation, Should I continue with this man and give him a shot and how much of a guard should I keep up before it is unfair to him???
KK
Dear KK,
Straight up: I don’t think this guy is worthy of you. You said it yourself, he doesn’t prioritise you. There are lots of very casual relationships where both parties are content to be a low priority and be with a person that is a low priority but the important factor there is that it’s mutual. This guy is much more important to you than you are to him.
Am I wrong? Go back and read your letter again, it tells it like it is. In your mind, this guy is your partner. You’re leaning on him to help you cope through both your parents’ illnesses, probably one of the most difficult times a person has to go through. I can’t say exactly what’s in his mind, but it seems that his perception of your relationship is very casual. He doesn’t even bother to tell you when he’s leaving the country!?!?!? My dry cleaner knows when I’m going away for the weekend! How important can you be to him? He doesn’t have a car?!?!? Forget for a second that he’s a mechanic, when a guy is crazy about a girl, he’ll walk / cab / hitch hike / cycle, anything to get to be with her.
Now, I don’t blame him or think he’s necessarily a bad person. What I do think, though, is that you both have expectations for the relationship that are not in sync. I don’t think you should give him the benefit of the doubt because he’s not the right guy for you. He doesn’t want to be the guy you need him to be. I’m sure if you talked about bringing him home, he’d run for the hills.
I also don’t want you to change who you are. You’re obviously a very caring, loving, giving, trusting person and those are good qualities. What I’d like you to do is use them on someone that deserves you. There are lots of good guys out there, and it only takes one.
I’d like you to dump this current guy stat. The only thing you’re going to get from him is misery on top of grief. Ask, your girlfriends, it seems like they’d say the same thing. Forget him, move on. I’d say it’s in your best interests to have a man holiday for a while. Could you take a break from guys, cultivate your friendships, focus on what your parents are going through? In life, you’re going to have to get through tough times. Some times you’ll have someone there that can support you but that won’t always be the case. You’ll surprise yourself when you see how strong you are.
Once you’re ready to date again, I’d like you to do some work on your ‘picker,’ because it’s obviously busted. Now, you’re in good company, everyone I know, myself included, has had a broken picker at one time or another. How do you know it’s busted? You keep picking guys that aren’t right for you. Take a look at your dating resume, one heartbreak after another. Now look at what they all have in common. None of them are worthy of you or share your good qualities. Make a list of the qualities you value in a man, hopefully it’s got things like, caring, loving, giving, respectful, family oriented, etc. Make this list (not just in your mind, actually write it down) and then use it. Only pick guys that want the same kind of relationship as you (serious / long term / casual/ whatever). How do you know what kind of relationship they want? Ask them. Only pick guys that have all the qualities that you think are important.
KK, that’s my recipe for success for you. I’m so sorry about your parents and I sincerely wish your family all the best. Take a break from the grief these guys are layering on you. Work on your picker during your off season and soon you’ll have a wonderful man who feels the same way about you that you feel about him. Imagine how proud you’ll be to bring him home.
Good Luck!
AB
Alexis Brown
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