Hi Alexis,

I have a very strange situation. My girlfriend and I of 4 years have been going through a lot of ups and downs. It all started the wrong way though.

When we met, I was seriously involved with another woman. I guess I’ve always had commitment issues; I don't want to feel tied down, love my freedom and I don't think I'll be able to handle it if someone takes it away from me. My girlfriend at the time and I had been involved for approximately 3 years. In that relationship, I cheated on her about 4 times. I don't really know why I cheated on her. She was great. Part of me says I just wanted to look like the big man with my friends. The other part says because I can't remain true and faithful to one person.

Since I met my current girlfriend she has had problems trusting me, (and I know why). We have argued a lot and fought many times. Every time I tell her I'm going out with the boys, she hears "I'm going out on a date". Our arguments have been stemming from the fact I don't spend much time with her.

I work 2 jobs; full time during the week and a part time job on the weekends.  I work so hard because I’m trying to pay off a huge debt I built up when I was young. During my time off, I'm usually out with the boys. I want to go out with my girlfriend but she makes me feel like I'm broke...literally!

We used to go out a lot...dinners, drinks, movies. I would never have any cash on me and she would offer to pay on her credit card (so she could collect reward points) and I'd promise to pay her back...but I’d need a reminder to go to the bank on the way home.  We’d often both forget. Then she started saying things like "I always have to pay for you. Why can't you ever pay for me!" "You pretend to have no money but you're working 2 jobs!". I did take her out though, and I’d spare no expense when I did...I like her to feel spoiled.  AND, she knows about my debt situation.

I know I can't afford it, but I feel like she'll leave me if I don't spend on her. She’s said things to me like "You call yourself a man?! A man is supposed to pay for his woman EVERYWHERE they go!!!"  Did I mention she makes a lot more money than I do?? When I go out with my friends, I really don't spend much money. They always have me covered because they know my financial situation.

Because of these financial issues, a big gap has grown between us. I try to avoid spending time with her because when I get paid, I just barely have enough for myself. She knows that but can't seem to accept it since I'm always out with the boys; but they don't make me feel like our friendship is based on who has the most money. Even though I don’t, she assumes I must be spending crazy amounts of cash when I'm out with them. There has never been a time where she's made me feel that money is of no concern in this relationship.

A further complication is my relationship with my friends. She thinks I spend too much time with them and has become very demanding about the amount of time that she and I spend together. My friends are extremely important to me; we’re like brothers. They aren’t fans of her at all – they don’t like the fact that she cares so much about money. One in particular gave up on her when I had to take a cash advance to pay her back for a night out that she and I had spent together.

Now she has made up her mind that we are no longer together. Keeps telling me it's over, and she wants to start seeing other people. I didn't do anything wrong. This seems like it just came out of nowhere...but she keeps telling me she warned me. If things don't change, I have to spend less time with my friends and more with her, she's not happy, wants to get married when financially I'm not ready.

People have told me to leave her, just let her go. But I can't. I love her. People have also said she's seeing someone else. I just don't know what to do. She says she loves me too, but this move is for the best. I've even explained to her that things will be changing in about a month or so (one of my credit cards will be paid off...leaving more money for me to play with), she keeps saying no. Says she can't put up with this anymore.

Please help me if you can. Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Hardworking

Dear Hardworking,

If you're looking for someone to tell you to stay with this woman, you've come to the wrong place.

I am a romantic, and I believe in LOVE. I believe that love knows no salary, and doesn't come with a price. I also believe that love is caring, giving and understanding. Feel where I'm going with this?

Debt is temporary, love should last forever. I am as happy with my man on the sofa eating ramen noodles as I am in the finest restaurant. Time together is about being together, not about where it is, or how much it costs. Don't get me wrong, it is nice to go out every now and again, to give the odd bouquet of flowers... BUT if a girl is demanding it, I think there is an underlying problem. If she truly loved you, she would understand your financial situation. She wouldn't want you to incur more debt just to keep her happy, especially if she has her own money.

On the best friends tip: this is a hard one. On the one hand, time alone with your friends is important and shouldn't be abandoned. On the other hand, she does have a legitimate reason not to trust you. Does she really think you're cheating or does she just not like your friends or respect your relationships?

I'm afraid I agree with your friends that this woman isn't for you. Here's my assessment - you've made some mistakes in the past (cheating), but you appear to have learned from them. You need a woman that makes you feel good about yourself, for who you are. The measure of a man isn't his wallet. I'm afraid this woman made you feel badly about yourself because of your income. Life is too difficult too be with a partner that makes you feel like crap.

Find someone who appreciates you. Keep paying down your debt and spend wisely until it's done. Get some advice on how to manage that debt and stick with it until its paid down. Integrate your new woman into your life so she's friends with your 'brothers' as well. Spend time alone with her, time alone with them and time all together. And whatever you do, don't cheat on her. In time you'll have built a healthy relationship, your debt will be paid off and your friendships will be intact. If she stays with you through the lean times and appreciates who you are, you'll feel really good about spoiling her when your income starts to rise!

Good luck!



Alexis Brown

Dear Alexis,

I've known this guy for 3 years and we've gone to the movies A LOT. We've done everything except consummate our friendship/relationship?

He seemed okay when we met, except for the fact he told me his name was "Lucifer".  I thought he was being playful, until I asked him what he did for a living.  He kept telling me he was with the CIA, FBI.  It took a while before he told me he was, as I call them "a  blue collared worker"...which I find very sexy.  Every time we would meet he would travel by TTC/subway and I would always do the driving.  He says he has a van, but he never drives. 

He's been to traffic court, once, twice, three, four etc., times, and each time I've asked why, the answer is "so I stay out of jail???? !!!!  I've stopped calling him, but he keeps leaving messages as to "Why I've forsaken him"...I do not call him back, and if I answer the phone I'm very short and sweet and get off the phone quickly.  

Why am I writing?....well what would is your opinion on this guy?  Would there be another way of him being  forthcoming with answers.  I do not know where he lives, not a big deal, but apparently he had other "girlfriends" go to his place.

A little disoriented.

Dear Disoriented,

Hmm. Mystery can be very sexy, it can also be extremely creepy. Only you know what you want from this guy. You’ve asked for my advice, personally, I think real relationships are based on trust. There is no way you can develop a loving, trusting relationship with a dude that won’t even tell you his real name!

Maybe that’s not what you’re after? Nothing wrong with that, honey. But what do your instincts tell you? If he gives you the creeps in even the tiniest, slightest way then I would advise you to stop answering the phone when he calls and stay away from him altogether. Something is definitely ‘up’ with this guy (three years is a very long time to keep all his secrets – to an outsider, he seems a bit kooky). Your ability to deal with it will depend on your tolerance for drama.

One thing I do know is that there is a whole city full of hot and sexy “blue-collared” guys out there. Many of whom will not only tell you their real names but are not in trouble with the law and will take you home and treat you very nicely. I’d advise that whatever you’re into, you do it with someone you can trust.

Good luck!



Alexis Brown