Dear Question,

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; there’s someone for everyone. If you haven’t met her yet, it’s because one of you isn’t ready, not because she doesn’t exist. You need to believe this in order to find her. I’m going to refer you to my column from March 29^th because I think there may be few tips in there for you.

I’d suggest that you think about the things that are important to you and make two lists. List one should be your “deal-breakers.” What qualities or characteristics do you have to have in your partner? This is the list of non-negotiables. Sense of humour, kindness, good hair, good cook? Whatever is most important to you.

Your second list is the list of things that would be great but you can live without if you have to. Black belt in karate, owns a fortune 500 Company, favourite show is Entourage. This is the list of things that you would choose if you were creating her from scratch, but you won’t be too upset if your real partner doesn’t have these when she arrives.

Now, write them down. Don’t ask my why, just trust me. It’s the most important step.

My dear Question Mark, please, please, please put some time and effort into this. These are your lists, you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person and, hopefully, she’s going to have your babies so think this through!

True story: friend of mine did the exercise. Wrote everything down on paper and met the guy within 6 months. He had every single quality on her list – she was amazed and totally in love. But, she didn’t recognise him at first. As she said after “I forgot to put down ‘has hair’.” Now, lucky for us she knew a good man when she met him, hair or no hair, and I am happy to report that they are now married. But like I said, Write Everything Down.

I normally suggest Internet Dating because I think it’s a great way to meet people. But if, as you say, you are not super-silky-smooth around the ladies it may not be great for you because first dates are always make or break and that is the bread and butter of Internet dating.

I think you are the type that needs to cultivate a friendship with a woman before you make your move. Let her see what a kind sweet, sensitive guy you are. Develop friendships with women through your groups of friends. Take classes, join teams, go to yoga or your church, whatever you’re into. This way, you’ll get to know them first and up your confidence level around them. They’ll get to see you in an environment in which you’re comfortable and happy versus a crowded, noisy bar on a first date. Then it won’t be about the words you use to woo them. You’ll just be yourself and that will be enough.

Good luck!



Alexis Brown

Dear Other,

Let’s boil this one down: you want an exclusive relationship, she doesn’t. She really has it all: two presumably great guys, who (also presumably) know about each other and are cool with the situation. And she CAN have them both because nobody’s made her choose.

From your letter, it’s obvious you realise that the action is going to have to come from you. I don’t suggest you stay in this relationship in its current form because it is hurting you. It is okay to want more, and it’s also okay to ask for more. The thing is, you have to be prepared to let the whole thing go if she doesn’t choose you.

Let’s break down your choices:

1) Action: Status Quo: do nothing, hope she comes around

Possible outcomes:
(i)    she does come around
–or-
(ii)  She doesn’t come around
 
Considerations: this could go on forever, or until you finally go to Action # 2. Is it better to do Action # 2 now than later? How happy will you be in the interim? How comfortable are you sacrificing your own needs and wants?

2) Action: The Good Old Ultimatum: Tell her you want to be with her but you can’t be with her like this. Force her to choose.

Possible outcomes:
(i)             She chooses you.
–or-
(ii)           She chooses the other guy.

Considerations: you have to truly be willing to lose her for this to work. If you aren’t really willing to walk away, she doesn’t really have to choose. Generations of mothers ingrained the old (gross)  saying “why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free?” into our heads. There’s a reason; IT’S TRUE!

Good luck with your choices, it won’t be easy either way, but hopefully you’ll end up with the result that’s best for you!

Good luck!



Alexis Brown