Flow 93.5 > Ask Alexis Brown

Ask Alexis Brown
Need some advice? Well now you can ask the most knowledgeable Alexis Brown! Alexis Brown always has the answer when it comes to relationships, work and family. If your question gets posted, you automatically win a prize courtesy of ClubFLOW! It's that easy, so submit your problems or questions here.

Read Alexis' answers to new questions every Monday and Thursday!

> Today's Question
> May 7th, 2007

Hello Alexis,

I am a very confused WOMAN!!!.. I have been in a long term relationship for the past 8+ years. The relationship was fine in the first year we knew each other. Then when i got pregnant with our daughter it all went down hill.... There have been incidents with others girls telling me that they are having relations my kids father/boyfriend.

I confront him about the accusations and he denies them, so my theory’s been that if I don't have proof I cannot pin the blame! Two years after our daughter was born, I got pregnant with our son. Once again, fussing and fighting! Then he started to cheat on me.

I then moved out of our apartment and we spilt up for a couple of months. He apologized to me and we kinda worked out the problem. Then 1 year after that incident we put money down onto a house so we could live like a family and raise our kids together. He moved out of the apartment and decided to stay with his friends until our house was finished. I stayed with my parents with the kids.

Then another girl started to call him and claims that my boyfriend and her have been together and he has brought our kids around her. I confronted him about this and he admitted that the kids have seen her only because she works at _____ as the _____ and she took his information from his file and started calling him! I told him tell her to stop calling!

Well it is 3 years later and she still calls him and he calls her! He won't talk to her if i am around him cause he claims that he can't be bothered with the cussing I give him. And that they are just "Friends". She knows about me!

He goes out early every Friday, doesn’t come home until 6 am and claims he was at a club or out chillin' with his boys!.... I am tired! He does not take me out or suggest we go anywhere as a family! We don’t’ have conversations, but we do still have an active sex life...

I stay at home with our kids. I cook and clean. I have his back no matter what the situation is. I try to talk to him seriously about certain things his does and he takes none of it seriously

Please Help! I am about to leave him and take him to court.. 'cause i am there for him and he is there for everyone else BUT me.

I need advice...

Thanks,

Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,

You don’t need advice, you need a lawyer. You think I’m kidding? I’m not.

You know already that there is no hope for this guy. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t respect your family. I’m not even certain he respects himself.

I hate to see a family breaking up because I don’t think it’s always the best thing for the kids. But, from your description; he stays out all night every Friday and takes his kids to see his girlfriends, I doubt very much that he’s a good father. I’m worried about the example he’s setting for your son and your daughter.

You deserve to have a man that is faithful and respects you and loves you for all you have to give. It sounds harsh, but the truth is that this guy is a taker and it seems that over 8 years, he’s never been there for you. I doubt that there is any rehabilitating this guy.

Ask around and get yourself a good family lawyer that you like and that make you feel comfortable. It’s going to be hard because you’ll have all the pain that goes along with a breakup but even you know this is for the better. Be strong for your kids, have faith in what you’re doing, you must believe there is someone better for you out there.

Good luck!

Alexis Brown

Dear Alexis Brown,

My girlfriend and I just hit our third year together. We live together, with our sixth month old son. We do love each other but we bicker and fight like an old married couple.

I personally feel like I am over nagged. “Do this” “Do that”, and if I don’t do whatever it is, then I never hear the end of it. To be honest my mother didn’t even nag me that much. I do so much, I work hard all day, I volunteer, I work on independent projects all in hopes of getting my career off the ground. I get a lot done, but not everything can be accomplished in one day.

Now, like I said, I work my tail off in my profession, as a father, and as a loving boyfriend. I am very easy going and don’t tend to get bothered to easy, but lately I feel trapped. I’m always trying to defend myself from her accusations. It feels as though she is always talking down to me, I give her a lot of respect and love, and I’m sure she loves me but like Rodney Dangerfield “I get NO RESPECT.” She attacks me with criticism, like I don’t pull my own weight, which I do, but she shoots little remarks like, “at least when I say I’m going to do something I DO IT”. So something like that comes up, I try and defend my self, then it becomes, “Well you didn’t do this, or you forgot to do that” there is always something. I am always catching slack. I feel like I can’t win because it always something, ALWAYS. I can’t win because if I haven’t done something wrong I haven’t done it right.

These argument which have no end, because Ill admit it, we’re both really stubborn. When I start to feel over pressured the arguments make my blood boil and I flip out, and release a lot of built up anger. I hate to get mad, its not my personality, but I can only take so much “harassment”. So I flip out, and even if it wasn’t my fault to begin with, it becomes my fault. I become the bad guy, and I always tend to be the “bad guy”, I feel like I can never express my own feelings without being over rided by her authority. I either do something I regret afterwards or I swallow my feelings and move on.

I know I’ve said a lot, and this is a LOVER’S rant which is only my side of the story but I need some advice. Am I wrong or right for feeling the way I do? What do I do, how can I better confront an argument, where no matter what it doesn’t seem like I can win? What can we do as a couple to stop our bickering? Am I wrong for trying to defend my self from snotty remarks, which I have never shot one at her? What should we do to ease our tensions towards each other? We do love each other a lot, and it’s not always like this, but we’re both afraid it might escalate in the future. Maybe it’s just tough love, but if there is any advice you could give me it would be much appreciated.

Sincerely,

Dazed and Confused…

Dear Dazed,

Hearing your story makes my heart hurt. It’s obvious how much you care about this woman and your family. I sympathise because you are definitely in a place where you can’t win and that can’t feel good. On the other hand, I sympathise with your girlfriend as well.

It seems your fundamental issue is a communication problem. If, as you say, your girlfriend is needling you and falsely accusing you, it’s likely that there are issues that she finds frustrating but is unable to verbalise. You think you are doing everything right but she doesn’t see it that way.

You ask if it’s wrong to be having the feelings you’re having. The answer is no. Your feelings are never wrong – you can’t help feeling what you feel. What you need to do is understand where they are coming from and figure out what you can do as a couple to alleviate them. By the same token, understand that her feelings are just as valid and that you will need to work with her to understand her feelings and make her feel better.

You are talking about big, ginormous issues that will take a lot of work and a commitment from both of you. I don’t want to trivialize that with a few ‘quick tips’ but, this is a column after all so forgive me as I do my best.

You two need to both agree that you need to do some work on the relationship and set aside some time to start. Make sure that you give it the respect it deserves and you’re not having these conversations at the grocery store, on the phone etc etc.

Agree that you both love each other and that you’re committed o making it work. Remember why you’re there. Then just talk.

It seems like you haven’t found a language that you can both speak for dealing with your frustrations. Couples are always going to bug each other. That’s natural. Staying together and staying in love will depend on how you deal with the things that bug you. Let her tell you her frustrations. Don’t be defensive. Listen. Accept that these are her feelings. Even if they seem whack to you, they’re not, just like your feelings, they’re valid.

She’s going to need to listen to you too. You both need to come at this like it’s a conversation, NOT a fight. You both need to be really open with each other and truthful.

I don’t think you’re going to get everything sorted out in one chat. Some of the things you say to each other may take a few days to sink in. At the end of each conversation, agree to talk again and if you can, even set up a time.

Once you each prove to the other that you’re willing to listen, you should start to see what’s really on each other’s minds. If you’re committed, you can work towards compromises that suit both of you and soon, the bickering will end!

Good luck!

Alexis Brown