|
Ask Alexis Brown
Need some advice? Well now you can ask the most knowledgeable Alexis Brown! Alexis Brown always has the answer when it comes to relationships, work and family. If your question gets posted, you automatically win a prize courtesy of ClubFLOW! It's that easy, so submit your problems or questions here.
Read Alexis' answers to new questions every Monday and Thursday!
May 14th, 2007
Hey Alexis,
Last night I came across something with my long time girlfriend that hasn't happened before. We were in the mall picking up some birthday gifts for a friend, waiting in line at the cash. There was one guy in front of us and someone at the cashier. Very simply, a friend of the person in front of us, cut right in line behind him. My girlfriend looked at him and very sarcastically said "Oh go ahead, that's no problem", clearly trying to get a reaction, which she got from them. I looked at her and asked her not to say anything like that, because it really wasn't a big deal, and because IF something did happen, it wouldn't be her problem, I'd be dealing with it.
At this point she got angry at me and gave me s***, telling me I wasn't her dad and I didn't have to take care of her because she was a big girl. I brushed this off after about 15 minutes of mild pissed-off-ness and didn't bother bringing up anything else. Almost 3 hours later, after noticing she was clearly upset, I asked her what was wrong, and she told me she was still pissed about the incident at the mall.
My question is, is it right to tell her not to do something if I'm looking out for both of our interests? And further from that, what's the best way to go about it, other than blatantly saying 'NO'?
Thanks,
Not Looking For Trouble...
Dear Trouble –Free,
You’re asking me if it’s okay to try to control your girlfriend’s behaviour. Let’s answer that question with another question. How would you feel if she tried to control how you behave?
I know, it may not be a fair question. The answer depends on the amount of REAL threat involved. While some thugs at some stores downtown really would jump you if your girlfriend mouths off, it’s probably unlikely to happen at a Baby Gap in the suburbs.
Let’s assume that there was a real threat of violence on the night in question. It’s fair for you to feel threatened, and it’s fair for you to express that concern to your girlfriend. Could she be testing you to see how fair you’d go to protect her? You know us girls, sometimes we want to know our fella will take care of us, no matter what. Could be she was hurt because she interpreted your response as “I don’t want to protect you if you get yourself into trouble.”
Was she hurt three hours later because of how you asked her to back off? Did other people hear you? Were you loud enough for the thugs in question to hear? If so, she was probably embarrassed. Instead of taking her side, as we like our boyfriend / girlfriend / husband / wife to do, you’ve sided with the enemy and allowed ‘the whole world’ to see that you don’t have her back at all.
So, to finally answer your questions; it’s neither right nor wrong to ask her not to do something. Provided she understands that for you it’s a safety issue and NOT because you are trying to change her personality, she should be able to understand.
The best way to go about it is privately. In public, she wants to know that you’re there for her no matter what, even if she is in the wrong.
Good luck!
Alexis Brown
|
