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July 2nd, 2007
Dear Alexis,
I’m in a sticky situation! In August of this year I’m getting married. My fiancé and I have been saving and planning for our wedding for over two years. Everything is great with the wedding, but the problem is my fiancé’s parents are arriving three weeks before the wedding and they want to stay with us for the entire time. Last time they visited for one week and I was irritated by the end of the week; I wanted to leave! Both his Mom and Dad expect me to do everything for them, their laundry, personal shopping, dishes etc…If they come and stay with us before the wedding, I won’t have any time to finish the final details. I’ve tried to subtly hint that they shouldn’t stay with us this time, but my fiancé isn’t catching on. I desperately need a solution.
Sincerely,
frustrated fiancée
Dear FF,
The obvious question: where does your fiancé sit in all of this? You say you’ve tried to subtly hint, what about just discussing it with him flat out? I realize it’s hard because you don’t want him to be hurt by your true feelings for your in-laws. He does have a role to play here and either he’s unwilling, or you haven’t allowed him to show his willingness.
How about being honest with your fiancé? Don’t rattle off a list of their unreasonable demands, instead come at it by telling him how they make you feel. Your feelings are always valid and it’s important for you to share them. Try something like this:
“Honey, I know how close you are with your parents. You know that I have a lot of respect for your relationship with them and I’m excited about becoming part of your family. Here’s the thing, though, when they were here last time, I felt like they didn’t appreciate me as your girlfriend. I know that our upbringings weren’t identical and I’m really working on appreciating the differences between our families. I would love it if you could appreciate them, too and if we work on this together. When your mom asked me to run errands for her and do her laundry, I felt a bit insulted by the request. Instead of seeing it as an honour, I felt a bit disrespected because that’s not what my mom expects me to do for her.
“I’m concerned about them being here for the weeks before the wedding. As you know, I already have a lot to worry about with planning the event and all the plans won’t be done before they get here. I’m afraid that if they stay with us, they’ll be putting more demands on me and because of what I’m used to, I’ll react in a way that might hurt them. I need you to understand how I feel about this. Would you feel comfortable asking them to stay somewhere else?”
FF, that’s just one crack at it. Keep the topic to how the in-laws make you feel (the result) versus how unreasonable they are. If he won’t ask them to check in to the nearest hotel, make sure he understands that boundaries need to be set and that it’s his job to make sure everybody understands them and respects them. That is the least he can do for his lovely new bride!
Good luck!
Alexis Brown
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