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Dear Alexis,

I have been in a long time relationship; over 8 years. This has recently ended. It has "ended" for about the 5th time during those years. Some of our separations have been for a few days and one was over a year. The issue is that we never seem to be able to quite sever our ties so completely as to be able to absolutely go on with our lives and build new ones. While you may say, "hey it seems like you two should really try to make a go of it", that's not going to happen

Therefore, I need to get some advice from you as to how to try and ensure that this time I make this stick - No matter how tempting it might be again down the road, or how lonely it might be for a while, or how special in many ways it seemed when we were together. I need to move on with my life, and want to, but am not sure how!

Thoughts?

Groundhog Day

Dear Groundhog,

The best way to make sure you don’t go back is to find someone new.

Forgive the lame example, but; ever lament and get all nostalgic when your car lease ends? You get it all cleaned up to return to the dealer and then you say “I don’t really need a new car, maybe I should just keep this one...”

Oh, I’ve gotten so sad on the last day, I’d think about all the places I’ve driven, all the fun I had in that car, maybe even get a little weepy… Then I get in my new car and I’m off that lot so fast, your head would spin, I mean not even looking back for a parting glance!

How brutal is it to compare your ex to a used car? Okay, kinda brutal. But here’s the thing: the same principle applies, your next match is going to be a better one for you, so you won’t feel the emptiness that’s there now. Right now you have NO car, so of course the old one seems awesome…

If you were meant to be together, you’d both have found a way to make it work. You haven’t. Not only that, but it seems that all along (5 breakups in 8 years) you’ve known that you weren’t right for each other. But maybe you got back together out of convenience? habit? proximity?

The bad news is that being tied up in this relationship for 8 years has kept you away from the person you are supposed to be with. The good news is that now you are out. For whatever reason, you (and your ex, for that matter) needed to take that trip together and spend that time together to get to where you are now.

It will not have been a waste of 8 years if you take what you’ve learned and apply it in your search for true love. It could turn in to a waste of 1,2,3,7 more years if you don’t commit to your break up.

Tell yourself that you’ve learned everything there is to learn from your ex. From this point on, time spent together isn’t productive for you, it’s destructive. Remember the reasons you two aren’t together. Focus on those instead of the fun you had together. If you ignore the reasons you’re apart now, you’ll find it really easy to rationalize getting back together, and that won’t be good for either one of you.

Don’t look back, look forward. Your destiny is out there somewhere in the form of someone who is just right for you. Believe in that and just don’t give up.

Good luck!

Alexis Brown