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September 3rd, 2007
Dear Alexis Brown,
I am a 26 year old female who just got out of a 3 year relationship with a guy who was 3 years younger than me. In the beginning, he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship. He just wanted to have fun. A year into it he started introducing me as his girlfriend. All of a sudden, we were a couple.
After three years, one day he tells me that he was not, and never will be, in love with me. He said he cares a lot for me but only loves me like a best friend. I am so hurt, I can’t seem to stop crying. I haven't eaten or slept since we broke up. I feel alone, used, stupid, frustrated, ugly and unwanted. I don’t know what to do now that I am alone after all this time. I just can’t seem to cope. I hate myself because I knew, somewhere in the back of my mind, he didn't have the same feelings I did and yet I still stayed with him.
I am now at a point in my life where I got a job in my field but I only bring in enough to cover all my bills. I might have to get a second job on the weekend and I will have to move from the best apartment I ever had cause I won’t be able to afford the rent. The little old car I had just died on me. I work 2 hrs away by bus. I don't have enough money in my account to do much of any thing (find an apt, buy a new vehicle etc....) I feel like I just can't do it all by myself. Especially since my whole family lives in another country and I help to take care of them the best I can. I know this is a lot to write but can you please bestow upon me some advice. I have no one to turn to now.
Seriously Depressed
Dear Depressed,
The first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and realise that the pain you’re feeling right now will go away, it will get easier.
The body, the heart…as humans, we’re designed to feel pain for a reason. It tells us what kind of situations to avoid. You burn your hand on a hot cookie sheet once, there’s no way you’re going near the oven again without an oven mitt, right?
You need to absorb the lesson you’ve already learned. You say that you knew your love wasn’t reciprocated and yet you remained in the relationship. The lesson is that you shouldn’t do that because you’re left feeling like crap. Ask yourself later, with the benefit of hindsight, why you were with him in the first place. Then make a deal with yourself never to do it again, okay?
Now let’s look on the bright side, you have a job in your chosen area, so you are already ahead of 85% of the population. It may not be the best dough ever but if you’re doing what you love, the money will come eventually.
Let’s also look at the fact that it only took three years to figure out that this guy wasn’t the one. Lots of people wait decades with the wrong partner. I don’t think you two have a family, you weren’t married, so again, this is going to be much easier to undo than it could have been.
Lastly be happy about the fact that you’re 26 years old. You’ve got one unfulfilling relationship under your belt, now you can look forward and focus on the future, the best years of your life are still ahead of you. Assess what this guy taught you about yourself and what you learned about what you want (and don’t want) out of a relationship. Don’t settle for someone that doesn’t feel the same way you do. You deserve to be happy and you will.
I know it sounds corny and it’s a bit Oprah-tised, but pick up a copy of the book or DVD The Secret, they sell it everywhere and I think you’d appreciate the message in it. Over the next few weeks be kind to yourself. Hang out with the people you really like doing the things you enjoy. Focus on all the good you’ve got going for you and soon enough, the clouds will lift.
Good Luck!
Alexis Brown
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