Dear Overlooked,

You aren’t the first woman to write in with this ‘issue’ and I’m sure you won’t be the last. Here’s the thing; we have two genetic biologies at battle here. Once again, please forgive the gender stereotypes. Yes, they are stereotypes and I freely admit that, but in most cases, they are kinda true which is why I’m dignifying them with some word space here…

Men are programmed to look at women. Women of all sorts, ranging from the extremely hot to the not so hot, they like to look. Women are programmed to want to be the center of a guy’s universe. Women aren’t AS programmed to check out every piece of man meat that lumbers past, so, we don’t get it when our guy does it. To us, it’s an insult, it means he’s not that into us.

Here’s the thing, and here’s where I will drop the stereotypes and use myself as an example. I am physically incapable of walking past a storefront filled with boots and handbags and not gape, stare and desire. No kidding, I think I would have to be physically restrained in order not to look in the windows on Bloor Street on a Saturday. Overlooked, is there anything that you feel this way about? Are you feeling me at all on this one?

Of course, if my relationship depended on it, I’d find a way to keep my head turned and just look straight ahead, because my relationship is that important to me. But my fella would have to give me a pretty good reason why I shouldn’t be looking in the window.

Is this a trust issue for you? Is it about more than just his wandering eyes? I’m assuming you do trust him and you just find his behaviour irritating. ..So here’s the thing. When you “discuss” the issue, do you tell him how his behaviour makes you feel? Or do you yell at him for being a caveman? Does he understand that there are consequences to his actions and that those consequences involve hurting you? How bad is he? Does he give women a quick once over or does he stare at them, fully ignoring you, with his tongue hanging out of his mouth?

I’m sure I seem all over the map on this one but there’s a lot to consider. Bottom line, there is probably room for both of you to make some compromises. Realise that he’s programmed to at least have a peek and think about adjusting your expectations a bit, (provided, of course, that he’s not acting like a lecherous prisoner at the playboy mansion.)

Make sure he understands why his behaviour hurts you. Explain to him exactly how it makes you feel. If he doesn’t care, then it could be that he’s not sensitive to your needs. He should be able to get that you are looking for a bit of respect, no?

Finally, as to what he does when you’re not around; again, as long you trust him and  he’s respectful to you i.e. isn’t asking girls for their number, playing tonsil hockey at the back of the pub, then don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’re not always the same person when you’re out having fun with your girls. I think as long as you are always respectful towards each other, alone or together, you’re okay. So sit down, have that conversation, set some parameters for what you can accept and what he can change and see how it goes!

Good luck,

Alexis.

Alexis Brown