Dear Distraught,

Here’s my objective opinion; you have fallen too hard and too quickly. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with falling hard, but there is something wrong with doing it at the expense of the rest of your life. I’m afraid that because you have some serious change happening, especially with your father passing away, that you have taken your life, put it in a box, and handed it to a man that lives in another place.

The fact that you two are virtually inseparable (albeit through the phones) is a bit of a problem for me. Trust me, I get wanting to spend a lot of time with a new romance, it’s totally natural. But, the way you describe your communications with this guy, it seems like there’s no room in your life for anything else. You say you talk to him all day at work. I’m not sure what you do for a living, but I’m concerned that you may not have a job for much longer if that keeps up.

Here’s where I’m going with this; the healthiest relationships occur when two separate individuals bring their two separate lives together. You join in some areas, but you continue to be individuals. You don’t ever want to lose your own identity because that’s really all you have.

So, let’s look at this phone call. My first question is why is it a problem if he dated someone for five years and broke up before you got together? I don’t get it. I don’t get why that would upset you and I don’t get why he would lie about it.

Second question: do I believe that a random stranger in his neighbourhood that had never dated him or been in love with him, somehow found your name and number and decided to call you and ruin your relationship just for fun? No. This woman obviously is legit, she is in pain and wants to hurt him and you and it looks as if she’s succeeded. Now, it seems obvious to me that they dated. However, I would be careful how much of her story I believe. There may be things she accuses him of and they may or may not be true. Should you believe all of her claims? Maybe, maybe not. It’s likely that even if some of it is true, she’s exaggerating because she’s bitter and because she didn’t end up with him.

So the third question is why did he deny the relationship? I can think of two reasons, either (i) something really bad happened that he is rightfully ashamed of or (ii) he has nothing to hide but was just trying to protect your feelings, worried that you would be hurt by it. Of course it’s possible that there’s a third reason that we just can’t see right now.  I don’t have any way of knowing which of the above is the real reason he lied (and remember I am assuming he lied but I think it’s a safe assumption).

The next step is for you to ask him which is the real reason. That will be hard if he’s not talking to you. I suggest you get on the phone with him – pick a time when you’re not going to be distracted – i.e. not while you’re at work! You guys need to have a long honest chat and figure out if you are going to save this relationship or not.

Before you talk to him, ask yourself why him having a previous relationship is so upsetting to you. Set some ground rules for yourself on what you can and can’t accept. Then you two just need to talk it out. 

If it does work out and you stay together, I think you’ve already learned that it is a bit premature to be moving your entire life. I’d also feel better about your situation if you were letting in some light from other sources. I’d like to see you leaning on your family and friends. Do you have hobbies and interests outside of work? Are you on a team, in any clubs, do you go to the gym etc? Whether or not you end up with this guy, you need to have a life outside of him to be a complete person. If you do end up moving there, you won’t want to be dependent on him for everything, you must have your own friends, interests and social life.

Okay distraught, I hope this is helpful to you. Whatever happens now is good. Either you’ll find out there aren’t any  real problems and work it out or you’ll realize he is a creep and you’re better off rid of him. If that’s the case, just be glad you’ve found out now and not after having moved your entire life!
 
Good luck,



Alexis Brown