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October 22nd, 2007
Dear Alexis,
I’m a successful woman in my 30’s. Late thirties to be exact, but everyone thinks I’m much younger. They think that for two reasons; first of all, I look it. Second of all, I basically lie about my age. Not that I come right out and say I’m 26 but I never deny being in my 20’s.
So just over a month ago I met this guy. He’s totally hot, sweet, everything I could want. The only thing is that he’s 24. I haven’t told him that I’m really 37 and I know he thinks I’m closer to 29 or 30. He hasn’t seen my home which could be a dead giveaway to my age since I’m a lawyer and we do quite well financially.
That’s the other thing, he’s just graduated from university and working in his first job. I’m worried that he’ll be freaked about the age (and income?) difference. Also I know I really want to have kids and I feel like I have a lot of pressure to get on that ASAP at my age.
What should I do? Do I come clean? Is he right for me anyway? What do you think?
Reluctant Cougar
Dear Reluctant,
Two words: Ashton and Demi.
I don’t think the age thing is a big deal, although I do see other obstacles that could prevent you from getting together… Firstly you’ve got the trust issue. I suppose you’ve never discussed age, but by willfully allowing him to believe something that isn’t true, somebody (not me?) could accuse you of lying.
Why haven’t you told him? Do you think he’ll freak and head for the hills? And if he would freak and head for the hills, doesn’t that say something about the type of person he is?
You say that having kids is important to you. I do understand you, but I also think it puts a lot of pressure on every guy you meet. All of a sudden you’re using a different lens to see with and I’m afraid there’s a lot you could be missing out on…Are kids your priority or is it a relationship? Ideally, you won’t have to choose. But what if you did? It’s a good idea to understand your priorities.
You seem to be financially successful and stable. It sounds awful but will this guy’s collegiate lifestyle cramp yours? Are you guys into the same things? Do you socialize in the same way? Will he be cool going to all the lawyerly cocktail party thingies that you have to go to? Will you be cool, going to keggers and wearing body paint to sporting events? (not that I’m stereotyping or anything)
So is he right for you? He may be and he may not be. Whether or not he is probably has less to do with age and more to do with lifestyle. I’d come clean about your age and see his reaction. While you’re at it, tell him soon that you’re thinking about having kids in the next few years. If that scares him, you probably want him out of your life anyway.
Good luck!
Alexis Brown
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