Dear Patience,

The obvious question is: is it normal for him not to have made a move in three months? Hmmm. Hard to determine. I’d say it depends on things like your age: if you’re 15 it’s not only normal, it’s good. Your cultural or religious beliefs: lots of people don’t believe in pre-marital sex. In the dating world of consenting adults, there is no hard and fast rule as to “the” right time – it depends on the two individuals. All that being said, I’d expect for two people in their mid-twenties and beyond to at least have had a little kissy kissy, mild groping or heavy petting if they’ve shared a hotel room (especially a nice one) after three months of dating, or to have discussed why they haven’t if there are “other factors.”
 
Let’s look at the possibilities: He could be married, or he could be gay. I’d think that married is unlikely because after three months, if he’s taking you to NYC, it doesn’t make sense that he’d put his marriage at risk and not even try to get any. Let’s rule that out.

Gay? It’s unlikely that he’s openly out with himself if he is gay. If he were, I don’t think he’d go through with dating women. It doesn’t make sense. Maybe he’s trying to figure it out, at your expense. You say he has a high powered job, believe it or not, there are still workplaces where being gay is taboo. Perhaps he’s using you as a cover for a life that he feels could penalize him career –wise?

Another possibility is that he has something that is transmittable sexually and he wants to get to know you so that he can tell you and feel comfortable you’re not going to drop him like a hot potato. Have you ever discussed this kind of thing? Sexual history? Maybe he’s just waiting for the right moment to disclose something that’s on his mind?

Could he be inexperienced? A virgin even? Maybe he’s afraid to come clean? It would be a difficult spiral, no? Embarrassed that he is a virgin, but so embarrassed that he can’t initiate sex and therefore, remains a virgin. Lousy conundrum!

And the only other possibility I can think of is that he’s dying to get in your drawers but is extraordinarily timid and like you, doesn’t want to make the first move.

The first thing you need to do is decide how you feel about him. Despite the hands-off policy, do you dig him? Is there chemistry? Are you dying to get into his pants, or is he more like a buddy? If you think he’s a mystery worth solving then you’ve got to figure out what is up.

If he’s married or gay, you obviously don’t want a long term relationship. If he has herpes or something, don’t sweat it, you’ll be fine, just talk to your doctor and be careful. As to the other possibilities, virgin or shy, it could be a very long waiting game for both of you if you both choose to ignore this. The longer you wait, the more awkward it will get and there’ll be too much pressure if anything ever does happen.

If you decide you want to hang in there, have him over for a glass of wine and ask him flat out what the deal is. Tell him you’re attracted to him and just see what happens. Who knows, maybe he’ll end up making that long, long, long, long wait totally worthwhile.

Good luck!



Alexis Brown