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November 5th, 2007
Hey Alexis!
Hopefully you can make me feel a bit better...
I have been divorced for several years. I have, however, always kept in touch with my ex over the years. Simple ways - calling on her birthday, taking her out for supper maybe once a year. Nothing heavy, just letting her know I still think about her from time to time and that I respect the time we shared together.
We are both currently single, though we have each had some long term serious relationships along the way. Well, recently, she invited me to a wedding of someone in her family. She told me everyone was cool with me coming and in fact were looking forward to seeing me. So I went. Had a great time. It could have been like yesterday instead of so many years ago.
No!! The issue is NOT that I am thinking of rekindling anything. But I couldn't help but feel sad at this event thinking back on our relationship. She really hasn't moved on it seems and I feel she could be doing more with her life. I realize that it really is none of my business, and perhaps this controlling nature of mine, is what got us into trouble in the first place. Some have argued that I haven't necessarily moved on either (being single and all). But, bottom line, I couldn't help but feel responsible for breaking things up those many years ago. I still seem to carry that burden, in so many ways...
Strange eh?
Just looking for some of those great thoughts and advice you always dispense every week!
Regards,
Wedding Day Blues
Dear Blues,
Stop. Feeling. Responsible. Sounds easy, huh? Yeah, easier said than done, perhaps? But the truth is, you are truly only responsible for yourself. You can contribute to the happiness of other people but you can’t be responsible for 100% of it. You yourself know that happiness comes from within. If she doesn’t have it in her heart, how do you think you’re going to be the one to give it to her?
It’s absolutely natural for you to wish she were happy. [Then again, some of us only want misery for our exes so consider yourself pleasantly evolved.] So, you wish that she had moved on and was, in the words of Oprah, living her best life. Truth is she hasn’t and it’s nobody’s fault but her own. It’s tempting to think that you could be the factor making the difference but don’t flatter yourself Blues, you’d probably both be miserable if you were still together.
As to why you broke up in the first place, let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you were a total, complete jerk to her. Firstly I doubt this judging by the compassion you are showing now, but work with me. So you were a total moron and that’s why you two broke up. Wouldn’t she need to take responsibility for being with a total moron in the first place?
What I’m getting at is that there is no such thing as a one-man tango. Every two-person relationship has two people sharing responsibility for the health of the relationship and the outcomes. Everybody plays a role and has a responsibility. It is never ‘all the other person’ and if anyone thinks it is, I wish them the best of luck in sustaining a healthy, happy relationship.
As to the future for you Blues, look forward and not back. Somewhere out there, the right person is waiting for you. You WILL NOT meet her before you’re ready. Part of being ready is closing the last chapter. Absolve yourself of any guilt you have over the end of your marriage. If you’ve stayed in touch after all these years, the ending can’t have been too acrimonious; it suggests that it ended because you weren’t right for each other. Not her fault. Definitely not yours.
You are responsible for your own happiness (and nobody else’s) now just go out there and get you some!
Good luck!
Alexis Brown
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