|
Ask Alexis Brown
Need some advice? Well now you can ask the most knowledgeable Alexis Brown! Alexis Brown always has the answer when it comes to relationships, work and family. If your question gets posted, you automatically win a prize courtesy of ClubFLOW! It's that easy, so submit your problems or questions here.
Read Alexis' answers to new questions every Monday!
November 19th, 2007
Dear Alexis,
My sister has been dating a guy named Mike for nearly 7 years. They got along great, and for the last year or so we've all (them and our parents) been talking about them getting married. Everyone was fine with that idea...until someone Mike knew decided to start some drama with my sister and fill Mike’s head with bull about my sister, after she had done so much for him.
To make matters worse, our families took a vacation together this summer. I met a lot of his family and we all got along great like we had known each other for years. A few days after we got back he confessed to me that his family "really liked me and appreciate that I was a nice person"... I thought this was odd. He went on to tell me that different people in his family have all told him, at separate times, that "he went for the wrong sister".... I didn't know how the hell I would respond to this, but my personality is to play it off and joke about it.
Now it’s months later, a few drunken ignored phone calls from him, and a few big fights between him and my sister, and a disaster this weekend when...we'll just say some inappropriate words were said by him about me, and public groping, IN FRONT of my sister but I don't believe she exactly saw it and this idiot has hit on me whenever he secretly can.
I always curse him off and tell him to leave me alone, I tell him that I think he's stupid and this dude still doesn't get the message. He always thinks I'm joking. My sister doesn't need this man, but she feels she at that age where she would really like to be married soon. I feel if I tell her, she'll be mad that I never told her all this before, but there's NO WAY I can bring myself to tell her. I would prefer them to break up on their own without my assistance.
I feel right now all I can do is ignore Mike’s advances and hope she sees his true colours. Is that right?
-Stuck
Dear Stuck,
Okay, it totally sucks to be you right now but we need to realize that everything happens for a reason and there’s a reason this issue is coming to light at the moment and not ten years down the road, three kids later.
Here are some considerations: what is your sister’s role in all of this? You’ve said she’s eager to be married but you haven’t said whether or not she’s eager to be married to Mike. In fact, from the sound of it, it seems as if she’s settling for this guy because she’s afraid of her age. People shouldn’t enter into marriage because time is running out. It’s absolutely the wrong reason. Some could get lucky and make it work, but it’s not a good foundation for a relationship that lasts a lifetime.
I think there’s more to the story you alluded to about the person that “filled Mike’s head with bull about your sister.” Without knowing what it is, it sounds like he got hurt and instead of solving the issue through communication, he’s chosen, like every petulant 3 year old, to act out.
I agree with you that this isn’t the right guy for your sister. He’s allowed other people to influence his opinion of her which is no-no number one. Then hitting on you is an extremely big no-no. No matter what his reasons are for his wandering eye, going for you just exhibits really bad judgement. Or does it? Why is he hitting on you and not some hussy at his office or gym? It’s pretty obvious that he wants her to hear about it.
Seems like he’s decided he doesn’t want to be with her either and just doesn’t want to do the dirty work. Why else would he try to grope you IN FRONT OF HER!! If he really, truly was in love with you and wanted to be with you, wouldn’t he try to arrange that privately? And if he really, truly just wanted some, I’m sure there are many women that would oblige that aren’t RELATED TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.
So, this leads us back to you and your job. Agreed; it’s better if they break up on their own. But if they don’t you do have to do something about it. Be warned, she is likely to be really pissed at you and it’s possible that you saying something could push her away from you and further into his arms. Which is why I think it’s important to understand what her true feelings are for this guy. Does she really believe he’s her prince charming? Or does she suspect that he’s a cad at heart?
Ten years from now, will you be able to forgive yourself if you’ve sat back and done nothing at all? If it were reversed, would you ever be able to forgive her for keeping quiet? Would you forgive her for telling the truth?
There is no doubt that you have some very tough times ahead. Pretending this isn’t happening isn’t going to make it go away. It’s already happened and all you can do is deal. As crappy as it is, it’s your reality and as Kanye says, that that don’t kill you can only make you stronger.
Good luck!
Alexis Brown
|
